Mchongoano

Nothing makes a Kenyan feel better than making fan of another Kenyan. Here in the US, MTV has a similar-premised show, Yo Mamma ,where competitors try to outwit, outjoke, and outdiss each other.

Kenyan mchongoano is a powerful tool used to intimidate other people with wickedly funny assessments of their lives. This happens everywhere-in primary school playgrounds, high school dorms, and college flats. The best mchongoanos are those left the opponent speechless. These were executed in highly colorful sheng terms that were born at that moment.

Below are some of my favorites as provided, unedited, by my dear cousin Jaqy Ngina. These come direct from Nairobi West. If you need translations, please, leave this post you’re not worthy.

• Acha Kureason Kama Round-a-bout

• Ati nyumba yenyu ni kombo mpaka ukilala asubuhi unajipata nnje

• Ati una sura mbaya ukilia machozi zinaenda juu

• Ngotha yako chuma ikiingia lunch unaitoa na spark

• Ati wewe mkonde ukiinua mkono unaona maminyoo zikikatiana

• Nyinyi ni mababi mpaka mnaweka sufuria zenyu kwa saucer

• Nyinyi ni mababi mpaka muna hao ya glass ambayo ina madirisha ya mawe

• Ati wewe ni mfupi sana hadi uki pigwa picha, lazima camera man alale kwa floor

• Ati nyanyako ni mblack design venye alijoin ma brownie, yeye alibaki ame itwa “blackie”

• Kwenu nyi ni mafala hadi mna patia kuku zenu maji moto ati ndio zitoe mayai boilo

• Nyumba yenu ni round lakini mnafight kulala back left

• Gari yeni ni noma siku za mvua inavaa gumboots

• Mobile 4n yako ni kali mpaka inamixx ma ringtones

• Sura kama sufuria ya ocha

• Mko wadosi mpaka ng’ombe zenu huvalishwa Trust condoms zikienda kulala